Happy :)

No school, No work, painting open mics and SLEEP!!!!!! Me and the big bro are back on semi-good terms Couldnt go to Cali for break … However the hubby sorta surprised me with a trip to THE VIRGIN ISLANDS!!! Finally going out of the country. Dead broke and extremely hungry yet HAPPY >>>cant wait til Monday!!! Enjoy these upcoming holidays and everyday with the people you love(or like alot, lol)…Life is too short. So many people dont have anyone who cares about them around these times. Yes, i know Im rambling, but its ok because I am SOOOOOOO blessed and will no longer take my life for granted. Happy Holidays everyone.

Love it. Hate it. Respect it.

What’s the big deal????

Pardon me for my lateness, but I just got through watching the AMA’s 2009, and I was really expecting to see some crazy stuff. All week I had been hearing about this new dude named Adam Lambert, and how is performance was so raunchy and xrated. So I YouTubed it this morning, while eating my Thanksgiving leftovers expecting to see a show…..hold on. Did i miss something???….Rewind it, still dont get it? Whats the big deal???? Maybe Im desensitized or very open-minded, but so what a gay guy kissed a dude on stage. What else is new in America. I mean, come on. It was ok for a 60 year old Madonna to kiss Britney Spears and Christina Aguillara on stage. Or for a plethora of rappers to have songs about bitches and hoes and what their gonna do to their bitches and hoes. Or for Lady Gaga to perform and sing Poker Face, (which if you actually listen to the lyrics of the song, it is a very horrible song). But now when a gay guy kisses another dude and dances provocatively, its such a big deal. Why be so hypocritical? If it’s allowed for straight people or women, it should be allowed for gay men. That incident just proves how “homophobic” our society still is. I say, get over it to everyone that is tripping. No one gets mad when two women are intimate on tv. Whether right, wrong or indifferent, this society’s media is built on sex. If you dont like it, than turn off the tv, or make a universal standard.

Bitter\Sweet

Different aromas,sounds,words stimulate that bitter sweet feeling that always knocks you off your feet. Always unexpected, and usually happens when your enjoying yourself for once, or just letting your mind slightly wander. The taste of that watermelon which reminds you of better times. Then spirals back into the reality of a once strong women’s loss of mind. That’s the thing, it taunts you with its delightfulness, then haunts you with the pain of the harsh reality. Blissfully sleeping in on a saturday, while the exact scene is being beautifully sketched five feet away. I wish I could just erase, erase what used to be so good and what now only causes pain. Racing through my head like Jeff Gordon, these MEMORIES are only MEMORIES, and yet they are continually in my life everyday.

RaNdOmLy BoReD &&&& hUnGrY

Got to love Morgan. Only University where professors miss classes more than the actual students. Nonetheless, Im super hungry and found myself with absolutely nothing to do. I mean, that is not entirely true; I could be vacuuming, or cleaning out my closet, or starting an ethics paper due thursday. But nothing to do that is pressing. And around my neck of the woods there is nothing good to eat: McDonalds, China Wok, Pizza Bolis???? Typical Black college food used to plant heart disease and diabetes in our systems at early ages. If you look around towson university, they have sushi,panera bread,peiwei, indian food and veggie spots. And what does Morgan have??? McDonalds, China Wok, Pizza Bolis, occasional subway. And I swear that China Wok  food has MSG in it ,because although I am a naturally sleepy person, when I used to  eat that food it would be like I took some Nyquil. sigh. I was contemplating going down town to the Yabba Pot to have a lil date with my self, but then I remembered I was on a budget and can’t live like a baller anymore.   So ice cream and young and the restless reruns it is.

Totally random, yea i know.

Love it. Hate it. Respect it.

THEY GOT MY SCRAPER!!!!!!

Laughing at my self as I very “ghetto-ly” drive down coldspring with ipod speakers unsafely blasting through my ears. Well it all started Monday night. For a plethora of reasons, that day was not nearly one of the best days I’ve had. After putting it off for weeks, I finally decided to go across the street and do laundry. No big deal right? Well as I was walking around my building, a black cat was standing in the mud drinking out of the puddle. Normally I am not too shaken up by superstitious thoughts, but for some reason that cat scared the hell out of me. I just got a really weird feeling and he just stood there and stared at me until I threw something at him and shooed him away. I was so frightened that I stopped and said a quick prayer. Now my mother warned me plenty of times not to park on the street. And besides her warnings I’ve also had many experiences that should have prevented me from parking there. i.e. creepy guy lurking in the corner, window getting busted by a rock, same window getting busted by a rock again (I caught those kids), and car getting side swipped by some dumb ass driver. Yet and still, my stubborn self still decided to park there. Man did I learn my lesson. Fast forward to tuesday morning at about 6.15 am, walking outside, still dark, opened my car door to the realization that my light didnt turn  on. First thought was damn my battery must be dead! Then with further inquiries I came to the discovery of papers everywhere in my car.  it looked like a hurricane went wild in there. needless to say someone had picked my lock and  stole my ipod deck, cd player, gps, and best of all my light! yea thats right my light! now these crooks were definitely some complete novices on the whole car theft business because for one, instead of busting my light, all the had to do was simply turn it off. 2: instead of simply taking out my cd player they busted my whole dash board. 3: they accidently dropped their tyrese cd on my seat!!!! 4: i had bank stubs and account info and they didnt bother to take that. And 5: Hondas are the easiest cars to hotwire. Now Im not saying I wanted them to steal my entire car, but damn, if your gonna do it than do it right. The most disturbing thing was that I had my portfolio in im car and thank God they didnt take that, but I did see that they looked all through it and the novice criminals probably were thinking damn shes hot while they were robbing me blind. sigh Although I was clearly shocked, I wasnt as upset as most people would be. I mean hey I got a free couple hours off of work.  i think another reason for my calmness was due to the thought of very soon having a new car. Pure anger did not hit me until now, when I get into my car and reach for the radio, just to remember I have no radio.  

A couple of weeks ago this 20 yr old UMBC student found that someone was breaking into his garage. When he came out to check it out, he saw that it was some 50 yr old man and it just so happened that this same 20 yr old student had some type of samurai sword and knew how to use it very well. So I guess some tussle occured and the end result was him chopping off the old burgular’s hand, which resulted in him dying from loss of blood. The officials had the nerve to put him in jail!!!!  I bring that up to say I dont think the 20 yr old deserved to go to jail. If I had a samurai sword and I just so happened to see someone breaking into my car last week, lets just say the result would have been similar to the umbc student. Because of this incident, it really dawned on me that I need to get some serious type of protection. (the legal way of course ) Who knows what crazy stunts niggas, and yes I mean niggas will try next. All I have to say is “I wish a nigga would” rob me after next week. I feel that people have the right to protect theirselves, family and property. its one things to steal from a billion dollar corporation, but to take from another hardworking brotha or sista just because you feel like it??? dont understand that way of thinking at all. Im grateful for my now rightfully named “scraper”, but looking forward even more than before to my new car.  To this day, as weird as it sounds I know that cat was a sign. But next time I will pay more attention,  especially because premonitions/signs are nothing new to me and my family…..

love it. hate it. respect it.

REALLY THO?

REALLY THO???????? sometimes when people are sooo used to doing wrong, they dont even know what right is. And when they get sooooo caught up in their mess they always wanna point the finger. so apparently now im some golddigging hoe who is also a man eater and makes her living by telling  lies and breaking poor men’s heart. thats kinda funny cuz this golddigging hoe has currently two jobs which totals over 60 hrs a week, lives by herself, pays all her bills, and has 17 hrs of university college credit. Golddigging at its best!!!!! Also in my past, all the men  I dated have either had no job, no independece, or made less money than me. so yea, i guess im wrong for liking a man who occasionally takes me out, splits the bill, can understand the strife of actually paying bills. man im such a golddigger! and on top that, this guy surely only likes me for my attributes!!!! I mean what else is there to like about me besides a big butt and a pretty smile (and i didnt even think my butt is that big compared to half of the “sistas” in my area) 

Heartless bitch. such a heartless bitch. i mean what kinda monster would pick a brother up, drop a brother off, wait in the hot ass sun for over 30 mins(repeatedly), miss classes, late to classes, always emotionally/physically there, get stood up over and over and over and over…yea u get the picture…,stand by a man like some kinda ride or die sista, deal with his groupies all over the net, watch him put pics of chicks in his room on his profile pic, condoms on his profile pic, and on top of allllllll that deal with complete utter hypocrsy???? This bitch noes nothing about showing love. i mean hey, real love is not calling a nigga back, standing a nigga up, not thinking about what would make him smile, getiing “stimulated” by different women, only buliding when its convient, and not being there emotionaly/physically unless convient. love is a two way streak dammit! why cant i be more like the latter of the two!!!

The infamous phone conversation. (Man im such a sarcastic bitch! add that to my list to!!!!! ) They say theres her side, his side, and the truth. in this case he wouldnt know how the truth felt, if it was kissing him on his dick. so lets throw a lil metaphor into this. Lets say i had the most delicious pie. and i offered you first dibs on the whole pie, and u refused because u said u didnt want to get full, u wanted to try all of the other pies. now i did not offer u it once, nor twice nor three times, however more times than i can remember. i threw it in your face, i begged u to just eat a piece, i swore u wud love it and never want another pie again. One final day i came to u and said ” hey are u ever gonna take the pie? if not, i need to give it to someone else or take it for myself.” u replied, ” i know the pie is good, but right now, i do not want the whole pie because i am afraid ill still be interested in the other pies and im also afraid that i have found “the one” and am too young to make such a huge commitment to one type.” so i accepted this, and moaped around for a while trying to figure out what to do with this pie, cuz i really wanted to give it to u. finally some unexpectant person came along and actually appreciated the pie, and wanted it. at first i was apprehensive, but then i was like hey go for it. now your upset because i had the nerve to give it away!!!! i was supposed to sit there with it until you changed your mind, which could take a week, a month, a year, 5 years!!!! by that time who knows what would have happed to the pie. Thats the conversation in food terms, so u tell me, was i really wrong for  giving away the pie???? if so, crusify me and nail me to the cross. so if u really told me u wanted the pie, than y on the phone our farewell brought us both to tears, or why when i told u i was giving the pie away u said u brought this situation upon yourself, or y did u call me the next day and say u werent trying to confuse me or play mental games, u were just thinking about it alot? makes no sense in pie terms, and also in reality. dont u think if u would have told me u wanted the pie u wud have had it being that i was beggin u to take it? doesnt make any sense huh? i would love to hear what i said when u “allegedly” partially accepted my request. Didnt we also talk about if you change your mind in the near/far future and i said that u wud have to call me and see what “status” im in once u change your mind???

Now, the most horrible situaiton is when someone is accused of not loving another person, when everything theyve done has proven otherwise. AND especially when it wasnt reciporocal 99 % of the time. call me a golddigging , nieve, lieing big booty hoe, but to say that i would just put up with this kinda drama for as long as i did jus on GP is jus a pure insult. i mean who in there right mind wud sacrifice, and try and plead and do all that i did just for fun. i mean lets be real? i dont have the time nor energy to be playing games like that. and honestly, im not nearly that evil. and y wud i do that to someone who seemed very uninterested at times? wudn i try these evil lieing methods on an easier target??? why wud i drag someone along for so long on faux pretinces? maybe u thought bout being with me, but like u said, actions speak louder than words.  and my actions have definitely proven my feelings to be true, can u say the same bout yourself? just cuz i found comfort somewhere else, doesnt negate all my past feelings. just means ive had reasons to grow up real quick and certain things started to get n2 perspective. in your owns words u told me if i found someone else u wud have yourself to blame cuz u know u cudda had me. and now your bashhing me? u also said i deserved 100%, and now im getting that. the ball was in your court and you decided not to play. come on now, lets be real. we both know how this REALLY happened.

My addiction helped form rebirth

8.30 in the morning, at work as usual, not only am i tired but I feel absoultely exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. The saddest part is I got well over 13 hours of sleep the night before. So than I started to think about the strong possibilty of being diagnosed with some crazy form of sleeping disorder. As Im deep in my thoughts, one of the teachers comes up to me and says that I look like Im a walking zombie. To which I reply, “I  feel like Im always on auto pilot, never actually in the seat. Sleep,or shall I say the lack there of seems to overpower my whole life”. To my surprise the next thing he says to me ran through my head for a long time… “Well there are worse things in life to be addicted to, be thankful your coaping mechanism also recharges you”. Now Im sure he didnt mean to drop a jewel, but he really had me thinking. Is sleep my drug? Is it what I use to escape from all the ugliness and negativity and grime in the world? Does my brain and heart crave an escape, more than my body? And to all these answers there is a definite Hell Yes! This minute ephiany was the start of a certain “rebirth”. And the best part about it is I felt the transformation actually happening inside my mind, body and spirit.

A feeling of inner confidence that I never had before emerged from this…. well lets just call it transformation. Not just thinking like a typical American, but questioning and longing for experiences in the rest of the world. Abrubtly being very conscious on what goes into my body. Having faith in GOD and knowing that he gives me strength in whatever I do. Even more than before, trying to make a positive mark on the world in any way possible. Realizing  the thing you want the most is usually the absolute worst thing for you, and if you just wait it out, you will see everyones true intentions; good, bad , or ugly.

However one of the most unexpected findings was of a true companion. Me being stubborn/independent/ sometimes cocky, I didnt think I would actually have someone in my life who could not only suit all my needs, but be able to put me in place if need be. (Ill admit, sometimes i can be a little bossy, and need to be put in check :) ) Coming from a person who rarely cries, the fact I recently was able to sob buckets until my eyes were stinging, while in his arms really scared me. In the short time Ive known him, he has done more for me than most other men in my life. And its the best feeling in the world to truely deep down in your heart no questions asked feel that someone is there for you with no alterior motives. For once Im not the one sacrificing and waiting and building, he is. And when I cant give him the same back, he 110% understands  because all he wants is me. And let me tell you I am quite the hand full to deal with. From random outbursts, to narcoleptic tendencies, to my crazy cat (and rabbit), to my very unorthodox way of thinking, to my very protective mother , to my love for things that are just different, to my workaholic schedule,to my crazy exes, and constant annoyance of optimistic men. Theres no pain, no questions, no hypocrisies, no polygamy,no lies…….just plain and pure. He has shown me what “ITS” really supposed to feel like, and how “ITS really supposed to be done. You know how when you were riding the bus/walking and then you get a car and after a while you begin to wonder how you have ever gotten around before??? Well thats sort of the same realization I had; He made me wonder why I ever put up with anything else. And to think, we met in lets just say not my typical type of circumstances  Who knows what ten years will hold, but Im not gonna lie….” you got me thinking bout our life, a house some kids -keri hilson” (Dont freak out mom lol)

So on that note i guess Im officially on my new ish and it feels real good. Like I said before, reborn: christian-wise,spirtually, conscious wise(eating habits), and physically. Who knows, maybe next year Ill be across the world walking the runways in milan. Or maybe Ill be in Canada like we talked about (inside). But all I know is my mind is back on straighter than it ever was before, and those who are down with me are down with me all the way…..

p.s. i told u next one would be happier

(Gotta) Love it. (Dont) Hate it. (Always) Respect it.

sigh…..

Although I have barely reached certain milestones in my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am really tired of men. To all the good ones out there please forgive me, but I have to go on this tyrant, and there are far more incompetent ones out there than good ones. Now I am not just speaking of my romantic failures, but also to no good fathers,sorry brothers, and so called “homeboys”. Man, where do I begin. I would like to start off to stay by know means am I dissing every single man in the world. That would impossible being that all haven’t crossed my path in my short lifetime. However, from the ones that I’ve seen….sigh. And I would also like to say that I am not just speaking about one race. Although my experiences have been with one specific race, it still applies to all.

Sex. What a nasty nasty word/act/notion. In the beginning it wasnt, however over time it has developed into something that is so bad yet so irreversible. Why does that seem to be ever good or bad mans motivation? Why do they listen to the head below, more than the head above? Why do they disrespect theirselves and others by posting what once was intimate things/acts all over the media/internet? Why do they claim to “love” someone, but then go sleep with anyone else? Or my favorite one is saying they love someone so they can sleep with them. How pathetic is that??? And dont get me wrong, some women are nymphos too. But the difference is alot of women are like that because they have alot up daddy issues, or are longing for affection. However many male counterparts will say or do what ever just to put their half developed penis into a women or many of the times a girl.

So I know it sounds like someone messed me up real bad huh? Well the truth is, I never have been used sexually. However I see it on such a regular basis with people that are so close to me that it really hits home.

I know I am too young to be saying I am “fed up” or “sick and tired”, but I am fed up. With all the universal lies, and excuses, and pitty parties, and irresponsibilities, and dependence, and entitlement. I am just starting to see a trend and it really scares me. Yes women complain and bitch and moan and make excuses. However within that bitching we are still taking care of our children, going to work and school, living on our own. What happened to the man supports the family? He is the head of the household? Nowadays you can’t even get him in the household, let alone support it. It is really so sad. Like I said in the beginning, THERE ARE GOOD MEN  OUT THERE!!!!! And to only those I say please forgive this rant. However many are not in my generation at all. But the majority of women will experience  sorry men in their life time. (And they wonder why women are so angry. smh)

I guess that is it for my rant. But my last advice for all my fellow bloggers/readers is keep your faith in all areas in life, because once its gone, its hard to bring it back. However, dont keep your head to high in the clouds on love, because everlasting true love can definitely happen, but only survives in fairytales, not in today’s twisted society.

Next one will be less a downer

Love it. Hate it. Respect it.

“Life is full of entrees, so don’t fill up on all the bread”

All throughout life people experience what I like to call “fillers”.  Whether it is an appetizer that is simply filling in for the dinner. Or it is college simply filling in for the real world aka working world. Or a petty job simply filling in for the salary/dream job. Or lastly a lover filling in for your true love. All in all they all meant to appease you until you get what you really want. And the funny part is, most of the time, we don’t even realize what we are doing. I guess it is just a natural human nature.

However there comes a point in time in which you start to fill up on the fillers. (And that is one of the riskiest things to do). Because once you begin to fill up on the fillers, than you start to settle. And once you begin to settle, than you forget about what you were truely after in the first place, and you loose the true essence of everything.

As for me, I am tired of all the fillers in my life, and am ready to have what I truely want. Even if the main entree is not ready for me, I will be sitting there ready when it is. “Life is full of entrees, so dont fill up on all the bread”.

Love it. Hate it. Respect it.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

They say your best work as an artist is always when you are either sad, or depressed, or lonely, or scared, or miserable, or sick, or angry. many times we try and create a beautiful masterpiece(s) but unless we are any of those emotions, no inspiration will come. However, one emotion conquers all. And that is love. When you are in love or taken aback by the feeling of love, you feel like you can do anything. Whether that love is a boyfriend or dog or newborn or family member, the love for another being is so strong, that it can produce so many muses. You find yourself drawing or singing or painting or dancing about that being. But when that love is taken away, your work is also at it’s peak. Many times you work so diligently to compensate for the heart ache and pain. Just look at all the “greatest” in every field. Many times the people with the most talent are the most screwed up. But if you were to take a look at them before they got to where they were, you will find that they were very happy individuals.

So what does that mean??? In order to reach you truest potential you have to cold on the inside? Maybe the reason “whole” people never make it in their field is because the love that they have is all they need. And “making it” is just icing on the cake. With everything involves a sacrifice.

As for me, I rather have the love that I was blessed to experience, rather than excel in my dreams.

Love it. Hate it. Respect it.